I am currently living with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast cancer. My superpower, however, is my ability to adapt and flow with change. I believe that this has helped me a lot in adapting to the changes and disruptions that dealing with advanced cancer has made in my life. I am also dealing with a severely arthritic hip that is exacerbated by scar tissue from radiation and my lack of discipline in doing physical therapy. The pain in the hip is more troublesome than the cancer at times as it limits my physical movement and drains any motivation I have to get up and go if it isn't a necessity or fun outing with friends. I am a strong witch and I make this shit look less hard than it is. I can't claim I make it look easy as my friends have seen me at my worst times, but I still have those times when my unconscious mind spews forth some hidden fear for me to deal with and it sucks!
One thing I struggle with is the feeling of being stuck. I have so many uncertainties in my life right now and living with cancer is at the core. While I refuse to be defined by cancer, I also have to acknowledge that it is, at times, the main character in my life. I will be having my 4th round of chemo in January. This is the first round of chemo I've had since I was diagnosed in May of 2021. It has brought with it new sensations in my body, a loss of hair and periods of food lacking taste, which is really hard for a woman like me who likes to eat. It has also brought new fears about my mortality. Believe me, I fully intend to be one of those people who has lived 15 plus years with stage 4 breast cancer. Between the spiritual and mental work that I do combined with a wonderful oncologist and medical staff, I have a great fighting chance. But I'm also not in denial of what the alternative is. I have accepted it but it still scares the shit out me when deep fears bubble up in my mind, forcing me to deal with them.
I feel stuck because there is a part of me that is waiting for things to change, or for some kind of assurance that thing will work out in my favor. A part of me is having a hard time feeling motivated. If my time on this planet is short, I would like to get every bit of joy that my introverted homebody self can squeeze out of life. Yet, I feel slightly numb. I don't know if my lack of motivation is coming from a place of enjoying the peace of being out of the rat race or a place of fear and depression. The outcome of the 2024 election and all of the doom and gloom being spewed at us along with "is it Aliens or drones?" information is not helping me either. So I feel stuck.
My life will never be the same as it was pre-cancer, nor should it be. When faced with your mortality, it changes you, and, in my opinion, it should. I am blessed that I do not have any big, major thing that I want to do before I die. As I've said, I'm a homebody and an introvert who likes occasionally socializing with close friends. I am a thinker and I am happy in my imagination and thoughts. I am a dreamer who sees a world beyond this one. I am a teacher and the eternal student, always seeking information and knowledge. Perhaps I am exactly where I need to be.
Perhaps I am exactly where I need to be. I see the importance of fully accepting what is and not focusing energy on what isn't. By being here, fully here, I find my peace and happiness. I've read the books and have a surface understanding of "be here now", but in many ways I am now being forced to live it and it's hitting at a different level. Life is never guaranteed or certain for anyone and when dealing with cancer and any life altering illness, this truth is more in your face. Being an eternal student, the amount of learning and understanding that my cancer journey is providing is abundant and fascinating.
All we have is now. Be mindful of that, and take from it what you will.