I think many of us can relate to the feeling of "when I get this or that" I can truly start living life. There is a long list of things that we believe we need in order for our real lives to begin and if we aren't careful, we will on our deathbeds feeling that we didn't fully live life. The accomplished goal is the finish line, the achievement is the final glory. The messy, annoying, tedious, stressful, healing and growth inspired day to day activities and feeling is our lives. It's our living.
Your life doesn't begin when you are in great health, financially comfortable and in your ideal relationship. Life is happening now, with your $40.00 in your checking account that has to last you until your next payday a week from now. It's happening while you are laying on the couch feeling depressed. It's happening while you are dealing with cancer, diabetes, chronic pain and high blood pressure. It's happening while you wait for your partner to change, to heal, to get their shit together and start loving you like you want them too. Every minute we are alive, we are living, whether we love it or hate it.
I'm dealing with cancer and like many of you experiencing this as well, you know that it can take a toll on your mind as well as your body. There is so much uncertainty and fear that becomes a part of your life. In truth, even without cancer or some chronic illness, we still have that uncertainty but it's often hidden. It isn't a part of our lives we like to think about but it is there in the background.
It took me 3 years into my cancer journey to stop being afraid of living, afraid of trying. The heavy feeling of "why bother, this cancer may kill me" put my ambitions and motivation on hold. Death always seem to be looming over my head, even when I am feeling well. And I'm blessed to say that I am usually feeling well and in good spirits. Even when my body is aching and I lament on what I want and don't have, I'm still feeling well. For this I'm truly grateful. This was the first year in this journey of mine where I said "fuck it". I'm going to get my blog up and running, I will try to build my healing practice back up and get back into the work force. This is the first year where I do not fear dying and it's the first year where I gave myself permission to live. I will go to work on those days where my hip is hurting and I need a cane. I will work on my career aspirations even though I cried the night before when I learned of a celebrity or someone I knew had passed from cancer and fears started to creep back in. I know I can't wait until I'm in remission to do my work and enjoy my life. On my death bed I would regret all the time I spent sitting around waiting for some perfect situation and condition to manifest before I allowed myself to be happy.
I would encourage you all to remember that life is a gift that many people fuck up. We keep ourselves held down to people and situation that drain us and make us miserable, we stick with jobs that deplete us and we waste our natural talents in order to make a paycheck and own nice things. I know we can't just jump up and do what we want due to money, fear, obligations and commitments. But we can find small things that make life worth living. We can find the time to take some steps towards expressing our talents and interest. If you can spend 5 hours scrolling on social media, you can use 2 or 3 of those hours to do something for yourself. You may not be able to move out of your living situation right now, but you can learn to establish boundaries and make firm demands on how you are treated and what you will deal with. And if you are in a position where financially you can move but you are scared of being alone or you just don't like change, for the love of God move the hell out! Yes you will be scared but if you stay you will be miserable. Update your resume and take some classes online or in person that you find enjoyable and that will help you find a fulfilling line of work later on. Have a hobby that you are passionate about. Where that outfit that you purchased 2 years ago but didn't have the confidence to wear it. Live your damn life! You don't get any time back. You can not undo the past so please don't live there and don't allow past trauma to make your life difficult now. Get the help you need. Talk with a professional or read and study books on healing what hurts you, then take action.
Life can be many things. It isn't fair and it comes with a certain about of shit that you must walk through. But get as much joy and laughter out of life that you can. You have more power than you think you do and allow yourself to believe.
May you have as much joy in life that you are willing to have.